welcome to my digital journal!

this page will be for life update and for fun. wip status, what i'm doing, holidays, etc. i'm not sure how often this page will be updated, but i'll aim for at least once a week or when something important happens. enjoy!!

entry #3 - 22/2/26

i've been so dysphoric over the last week. i'm not sure exactly why. i don't really want to have a human body, you know? sometimes i wish i could get rid of it and just be an angel. i can barely stand to look at my bare chest anymore. but i'll be okay, i think. i'm getting off of one of my medications right now, which is probably why i've been feeling so restless. it's raining where i am right now, but it's still so warm and muggy. i just want a little bit more cold.

i'm not sure how i feel about T anymore. we and a few other friends were talking, and i don't really remember what brought it on, but he said that he 'fucking hates witches' with such venom that it took me off guard. i'm not a witch, but my mum is pagan and i grew up lighting candles for solstices, salting my room for halloween and clapping out the corners of my room after nightmares. i don't tell too many people about that, but now it feels like i can't really be open with him properly, even if we aren't together or talking romantically. he might be a little touchier with me than other friends, but i don't know if that's true or i'm just being too hopeful. what would he do if he found out i was trans? would he hate me then? i don't want to think about it.

it's my birthday soonish! march 11. i'm getting bangs cut and my second lobe piercing done for it. i'm kind of just excited for it to be over. i'm not a super huge fan of birthdays, they just make me feel uneasy. this isn't a particularly happy or optimistic entry, but that's how i feel right now. maybe it's the heat.

entry #2 - 13/2/26

i found out what his name is! obviously i won't be sharing it here, but i'll call him T for short. anyway, we've been talking more this week and it's been equal parts amazing and awful. he's a bit of a touchy person, and his hands are so warm. it sounds cliche and cheesy, but they really are. but at the same time, whenever i see him, i can't help but be reminded of my lack of boy-ness, for lack of a better term. i feel so awkward and clumsy around T, even if i think i'm acting the same as usual.

either way, i'm glad this week is over. i feel like this week has lasted for a month, like days are passing by while i'm sleeping. but it's a month to my birthday, which i'm looking forward to. i don't have plans for a party or anything, but i am getting my second lobe piercing and i'm getting bangs cut, something i've been wanting to do for a while now. i think it'll be cute, at least i hope so.

i found a cute sailor moon shirt at the thrift store near my school today. it's my exact size, and costs $60 new but i got it for $9. it's been piss hot where i live, but it's supposed to be cooler at night for the next week. i like to keep my window open so my room is cold, while i sleep under a pile of blankets ☆

entry #1 - 7/2/26

there's a guy at my school that i think i have a crush on. he's really cute, and he's into fashion and k-pop like i am. he's a lot taller and bigger than me, but i kind of like that. we talked a bit on monday, but we've just waved at each other in passing since. i keep looking at other guys and thinking 'oh, they're not as cute as him.' i've never felt this way before, it's strange. i really want his time and attention. but i've never flirted with anyone before, nor have i ever had a proper crush, so i'm not really sure what to do.

i know i use a cute girl avatar on here to represent myself, but i'm actually not a girl. i'm a gay trans boy, but i haven't tried to socially transition yet. i'm scared of being harassed again (something that happened when i told my friends i was non-binary a few years ago). i've been getting kind of dysphoric lately about my chest. i present very fem, but i don't want to be seen as a girl, you know? i want to be beautiful, but as a boy.

i don't know. it's all so complicated. i wish things like this could be simple, i wish i could present how i want to, and i wish we'd get the chance to talk again. i don't even know his name yet - i really want to know what it is.